Soooo....today was somewhat of an uneventful day. I woke up, attempted to study and then it all went downhill from there, lol. It's not that anything bad happened today, it's just that nothing happened at all...I did the usual... checked my facebook, watched some television, talked briefly on the phone, did some reading for one of my classes, checked out the different Sierra Leonean based newspapers for some updates....and that was it. Boring, huh?
Apart from my day, I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days about my experiences with previous friendships. During that whole thought process, I realized that I really haven't been able to keep any long term friendships. Now, I don't know if it is partly my fault because I tend to withdraw from people when I notice that no longer are after the same things in life, or if it has much to do with the natural process of life, in which people just tend to grow apart as time goes on. In my mind, I seem to find solace in the latter...I have really made myself believe that the reason why most of my old "buddies" and I are no longer as close as we used to be, has much to do with the fact that we no longer share common interests anymore.
Example one: Let's revisit my Belford Towers days, there were four other girls that I spent almost all of my time with...there wasn't anything that we didn't do together, including causing havoc. It's so weird because that was definitely a "love-hate" relationship. I enjoyed being wild and in a sense rebelling side of me, but deep inside I hated the person I was becoming, which eventually led to serious self-image problems. I guess in a way, the things we did were just our cries for attention or a way out...who knows? Nonetheless, I found my way out...unfortunately for 3 out of the other four girls, they never were able to locate that key to unlock the door leading to their way out of what seemed like a small, four-walled room with the walls closing in on us. Sad to say, but now for me as a spectator looking in, things really seem bleak for them because they have allowed their surroundings to define who they are.
Example two: In highschool, especially early on...there was this one girl who I looked up to as my big sister...I mean we did everything together. Whenever you would see her, you would see me...we always bought the same stuff, she was my role model, everything I aspired to be. LoL. I also had other friends at that time, who were the same age as me and I must admit, we really did have fun...But as time went on my big sis graduated, and my other friends ended up leaving my school for one reason or another, causing us all to just kind of lose contact. It's so wierd, all three of my friends just recently had babies, yet I haven't called anyone of them to say congratulations...It's not that I feel like, I am to good to call or anything of that nature...it's just...I feel kind of nervous about the whole thing. I mean what do I say after I say "congratulations on having your baby"? Then what??? What's next? Do I ask them about life as a mother, about their babies...I just really don't know. I guess I am in a way battling with the fact that we were all once so close and always had something to share with one another. So now thinking that there could be a chance of us being on the phone in total silence, makes me just totally shy away from the whole ordeal.
Example three: I can honestly say that my freshman year in college along with part of my sophomore year, were packed full with some of the best experiences in my life. I had a great roommate, and two of my other homegirls were always there to make everything that much better. We did almost everything with eachother and even when there was nothing to do, we still had fun just being bored with one another...campus life was like that, LoL! But, in the midst of it all I met some people that I can honestly say, I wish I had never met before because it really took a toll on my friendship with another one of my closest highschool buddies. As a result of that, it also had an effect on the friendship between my roommate and I, and sad to say, but that close comradity that once existed...has definitely been buried in one of these cemetaries out here. I'm sure we are all familiar with that phrase about turning back the hands of time...yeah well I definitely wish I could do that, but I guess that's life right? You live, you learn, you grow, and then you move on...
Anyway, with everything going on leading into my sophomore year, things were really looking up one of my close buddies and I had just recently gotten our new apartment on campus...believe me, we were definitely doing things that we shouldn't have been doing. So, I am not sure if it was a combination of it all, but one thing led to another and God removed me from that situation. I don't know if he had foreseen things for me that I didn't pick up on or what...nonetheless, he is God...so He definitely knows best! Along with my move from the apart, came the loss of some valuable friendships...the things that once peaked my interest like partying, going out, and blah blah blah, no longer did anything for me anymore...it just became somewhat redundant. It could have very well been because of the circumstances underwhich I left the apartments that really forced me to re-evaluate my life and the people in it, or something else..I really just don't know.
All in all, I still have so much love for all of my old girlies...there are definitely no hard feelings, I just figure that maybe, just maybe things were supposed to happen like this. I am totally in peace with myself, and the friendships that I have developed more recently are irreplaceable...I really do believe in my heart that we are all headed towards similar paths in life, which has helped to stregthen our bond. Either way, I have always been the same Kadija...it's just that along the way, I tweaked some things here and there..and those changes resulted in the loss of some friendships..but hey life definitely goes on!
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